Untitled.

I really wish if I knew how to make a difference between right and wrong. It sounded so easy when I was a child. At school we were taught that lying to people is wrong and helping them is right. However, I can’t seem to find the correct answer these days… I can’t say if what I’m doing is right or wrong.. As matter of fact, it could be both. And I can’t shake that feeling of instability, insecurity and anxiousness that remains inside of me creating a huge hole in my chest disabling me to breathe properly and to think wisely. Because all the air I exhale seeps through that hole before reaching my lungs. I hate that feeling. All my ideas are loud, chaotic and blurry. And my brain is unable to even attempt to put the pieces together. It can’t happen anyways, seeing that some pieces are missing. And the picture cannot be complete and crystal clear without them. The problem is I don’t know from where I should start looking for them. They could be scattered everywhere. They could be under my pillow, where all my dreams are only about series of the same unfinished story… the story of us… Sometimes I wish if I can sleep in a casket and never wake up until I make sure that the end of that story is happy… Or maybe under the tree where I used to meditate back then when I used to laugh when seeing someone go crazy, go mad about a girl or a boy… And I just think to myself… Why her? Why him? What’s so special about her or about him that could make a person cross an ocean looking for his/her lost lover. Or in the lane where I used to wander… in the bus where everyone seem miserable, unhappy and holding a grudge towards basically everything around them. But the last and the most priceless piece is held between his hands. As I can perceive, he doesn’t seem to want to give away that precious piece. I can’t get angry or mad at him, and I don’t have the power to argue with him. It’s not that I’m naturally weak and vulnerable. I’m usually very obstinate and persistent when I desire something. But this time, this one time… I have found my weakness and it’s sadly a part of me, a part I can’t live without…My heart that carries his pure deep love. But the hardest part is … How is even possible that someone can make you miserably sad and extremely happy at the same time? It is unfair to know that behind every pleasant peaceful moment remains a pain that only grows bigger until it completely emerge your whole body leaving you no choice but to surrender to the destiny you thought once was perfect for you. And it is actually perfect for you, except that there’s a price for every second you enjoy. And there I come to the conclusion that nothing is free, even the abstract things. No one has ever came so close to the point of touching my emotions, to the point that I go wild, to the point that his face haunts me every place I go to. To the point that he became the reason why I am here… typing these lifeless yet profound words that unfortunately have no title. And then, there’s this question that keeps knocking on my head… Is it going to last?

    Salma H.

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